I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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