Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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