His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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