I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
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On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize