i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize