I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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