When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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