I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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