How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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