my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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