Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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