well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
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hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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