Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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