I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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