I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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