We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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