Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
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Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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