She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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