I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
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He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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