i dedicated my morning wood to you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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