Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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