this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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