I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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