he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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