my phone needs a breathalizer
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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