Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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