I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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