The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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