Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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