Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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