sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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