I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
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After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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