im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize