1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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