Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize