Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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