By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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