And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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