I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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