So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize