I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
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Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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