It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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