I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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