I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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