I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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