I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
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She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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