Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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