I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
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Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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