Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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