i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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